Return... the act of giving something back
|She Will Find What is Lost by Brian Kershisnik |
Sometimes we have someone in our lives who hears the tears that fall only on our pillow, in the dead of night. The tears that make no sound. The tears that break hearts and leave us questioning everything that ever filled us up with belief. In 2014 I had a friend that heard those tears from 667 miles away. Or angels whispered in her ear, maybe a little of both.
I was in my 9th pregnancy with 5 living children. (I AM SO BLESSED, I know what a gift I have, I don't mean to minimize the grief of anyone that hasn't been given that gift... we all carry grief though, and those losses were mine). I was pregnant. I had lost 2 pregnancies in a row and this one was NOT looking good. We were elated to learn that we were expecting a son, a beautiful boy who happened to have Down syndrome. But there were other complications hydrops (fluid throughout his body threatened an almost certain miscarriage). Sweet little David Tayten held on for 17 weeks. Movement, happy movement! But it was false hope as David finally let go. My friend sent this painting to me. "She will find what is lost" by Brian Kershisnik. I won't lie. I was angry with God. I had been faithful. How could he take my child? Looking back I have to wonder what I was thinking. I tell my children almost daily "Life is NOT fair". And yet, I was expecting a life without sorrow, disappointment, heartache, hurt, loss. It was not to be.
I don't deserve the JOY that came after that. I don't know that anyone deserves or is entitled to JOY. I just relish it. I appreciate it. I opened my arms and my heart to it. AND I recognize it's source. God wants us to have JOY. God returned a LOT to me and my family in the years that followed. But first I had to return to God. After some days of sorrow and anger, I reached out to God and praised him for the gift of David in my womb, the JOY I had felt carrying him, the moments, the movement (so early on and for weeks before we lost him, miraculous weeks).
That gratitude was followed by not one but TWO MIRACLES! We call those miracles Jaide and Emily JOY! Our two youngest daughters have Down syndrome. They were born in 2014, and 2017. We were blessed to adopt them, as my body just couldn't bring another child here. Emily is actually ONE today. And today I am filled with gratitude. I feel like Job in some ways, and like the prodigal son in others. Job was tried and tested, but he clung to the LORD and in the end, all he had and more was returned to him. I believe one day I will get to hug my David boy. He will be grown, tall and wise, but still my little boy. I feel that he had a great deal to do with the miracles that brought his two little sisters into our home and I am so grateful. Like the prodigal son, I was lost. My heart ached, hurt, mourned David's loss. And if I am completely honest, still does at times. However, like the prodigal son, I recognized what blessings I had, what I had been given my whole life and I came to or RETURNed to myself, my God and my hope. I remembered who I was, and what God had done from me. IN that moment I believe God helped me find what was lost. ME! And in finding myself, I found the JOY of these two precious daughters along the way. I am so grateful for the paths that led to here. To this broken, beautiful road I continue on. Bumps, bruises, tears... but also exquisite JOY, happiness, memories and LOVE. I am so blessed. I am grateful for friends like my Dina. I call her my Ethel. She listens. She hears the small whispers of God and angels and she acts on those promptings. She has returned me to myself so many times I've lost count. I want to be that kind of friend, to be able to listen and hear when someone is in need. Today I got a JOYsister visit from my Relief Society President. Unannounced and unexpected. But she heard the prompting and showed up to love me on a rather hard day. Tonight I will RETURN thanks to God for my sisters/JOYsisters. I am so blessed by the wonderful and choice spirits God has surrounded me with.
With LOVE and LIGHT,